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@5Red Dwarf - Series 6, Episode 2 - "Legion" ------------------------------------------ @1 Rimmer: Ten o'clock changeover - anything to report? Kryten: We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, Sir. Almost twenty four hours behind now. Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. Thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen. Rimmer: How are we fuel wise? Kryten: Unchanged for today, Sir. However, the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager. Rimmer: We're OK for food though, aren't we? Kryten: Er, confidentially Sir, no. We have no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worse still, the only liquorice allsorts left are those little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. Rimmer: So what's under the grill? Kryten: Space weevil. [pause] Rimmer: You can't serve space weevil, Kryten! I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining taste bud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin! Well, let's face it, with him it's practically cannibilism! Kryten: It's incredibly nutritious, Sir. After all, it is corn-fed! Rimmer: You'll never get him to eat it. Kryten: Trust me, Sir. They say the first bite is with the eye. It's all down to presentation. [pause] Kryten: E voila! [later] Cat: Changeover! Anything new? Lister: Nothin' much. Electrical storm, alien war fleet, false alarm. Usual stuff. Cat: Look at the state of this place! Why can't you ever clean up before we swap over? What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts? Lister: Nah, I've been trimmin' my verucas. Cat: You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush. Lister: You really think I'm psychotically disgustin', don't ya? They're peanuts, OK? Cat: Real peanuts? Lister: Yeah. Cat: Where'd you get 'em? Lister: Derelict a couple of months back. Found 'em in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket. [pause] Lister: Don't look at me like that - you enjoyed that mint imperial, didn't ya? Cat: And where'd you get that? Lister: He was suckin' that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack. Cat: Ah-ha! You think I'll buy anything you say, don't ya? Well, wrong buddy! Now get outta here! I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancin' moose you told me about yesterday. [pause] Lister: Hi honey, I'm home! Kryten: Supper, Sir - and tonight's movie. I'm sorry, Sir, it is another Doug McClure - please, don't hit me! [pause] Lister: What's this? Kryten: Sir? Lister: Raw carrot? Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables! They're for health psycho's, vitamin freaks, people who exercise! Kryten: I'm sorry, Sir. [pause] Kryten: Is everything OK, Sir? Lister: No, it's not. Some smegger's filled in this "Have you got a good memory?" quiz! Kryten: That was you, Sir, last week. Don't you remember? [pause] Lister: Was it? Kryten: Mmm. Look - nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F". Lister: I can't help it - I went to Art College. Rimmer: How's supper, Listy? Lister: It's delicious. I didn't know we had any crunchy King Prawns left. Cat: I hate to go all technical on ya, but all hands on deck - swirly thing alert! [pause] Lister: Where? Cat: It's not on the radar yet, but I can smell it! Rimmer: Nothing here. Kryten: Nothing on long range. Sir, is it possible you could've made a mis-smelling? Cat: Listen, butter-pat head, my nostril hairs are vibrating faster than the springs on a Spaniard's honeymoon bed! I'm telling you there's somethin' out there! Kryten: Don't get your double-helix in a strict! No one's questioning your nasal integrity! Rimmer: Go to blue alert! Lister: What for? There's no one to alert - we're all here! Rimmer: I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on our toes 'cause everyone's aware it's a blue alert situation. Lister: We all are "on our toes"! Rimmer: May I remind you of Space Core Directive 3-4-1-2-4? Kryten: 3-4-1-2-4. No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity? [pause] Rimmer: Damn you both all the way to Hades! I want to go to blue alert! Lister: OK, OK. [pause] Rimmer: Thank you! A bit of professionalism! Kryten: Wait! I've got something! I'm punching it up. [pause] Lister: It's too small for a vessel. Maybe some kinda missile! Kryten: It's impossible to tell at this range. Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own! Lister: So's the Albanian State Washing Machine Company! Rimmer: Step up to red alert! Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. [pause] Rimmer: There's always some excuse, isn't there? Lister: Range - fifteen thousand G-gooks and closing! Kryten: Direct collision course - suggest evasive action! Cat: Engaging re-heat. [pause] Lister: It's still with us! It's some kinda heatseaker - we can't out-run it! Cat: That's it - we're deader than tank-tops! Rimmer: Suggestions? Kryten: Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy fire? This will of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance. Rimmer: Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. Lister: Kryten, sit down! (I'm not doin' me own smeggin' ironin'!) Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh. [pause] Rimmer: This is Acting Senior Officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Starbug. Now here this, 'cause it's only coming once. We surrender totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional; sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry! Thank you! Sorry! Bye! Bye! Sorry! Thank you! Lister: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels! Rimmer: Know this about me. Like General George S. Patton, I believe in reincarnation. It is my firm conviction, that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier. A bold warrior soul, who tragically in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. So, excuse me gentlemen while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table! Cat: Here it comes! Lister: Five G-gooks to impact! Hang on to your wage packets! [pause] Cat: Controls are down! Rimmer: What on Io was that? Kryten: Some kind of suction beam - we're being dragged down! Lister: Fire up the retro's! Cat: Dead. Lister: Auxiliary power? Cat: Dead. Lister: Joystick? Cat: Dead, oh the entire panel's deader than A-line flares with pockets in the knees. [pause] Kryten: I've located the beam's source - I'm punching it up. [later] Rimmer: So what've we got? Lister: Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning guidance beam, designed to help docking supply ships. We've just set down and we're free to leave. Cat: Anyone around? Lister: No life signs, nothin'. Kryten: The ident computer's stubborn as a mule. All I can get from it's pesky little ROM was something about classified military research. Wouldn't give me any details, but listen to some of the physicists involved: Heidiger, Davro, Holder, Quayle. Some of the most brilliant minds of the 23rd Century. Whatever they were cooking up here it must have been something pretty special. Rimmer: Mmm. Anything we can salvage? Lister: There must be somethin' we can swipe! Rimmer: Well, gentlemen. Our strategy is clear - let's toot up and go shopping! [later] Lister: What? Anythin'? Cat: Not sure. Somethin', but it's almost out my nasal spectrum. [pause] Kryten: Strange - a life reading. Rimmer: Why didn't it register before? [pause] Legion: Welcome, my friends. It has been many centuries since I last had visitors. You of course, are Kryten - and you are Rimmer, the hologram. May I? [pause] Legion: Now then. Yes. Of course. Primitive. So basic. [pause] Rimmer: You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, my laddio! Legion: I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light. Rimmer: Hard light? I've got a body? I can touch? Feel? Kryten: Er, puncture repair kit on stand-by, Sir. Rimmer: But how? Legion: I created the hard light drive many years ago. My mind is not all what it once was. You, my friend are Lister. Lister: How come you know who we all are? Legion: You are in pain, here. Lister: No, it's just a bit of Bangalore belly. Legion: No, it is something more serious, may I? Lister: 'K. [pause] Legion: Your appendix. As I thought, you were on the verge of peritonitis. Lister: Cheers, man. Legion: And you, are the Cat. Cat: You come anywhere near me buddy, you'll be wearing them bowels as a bobble hat! Legion: You are all tired and in need of nourishment. Come, let us dine. Rimmer: What is your name? Legion: Call me... Legion. [pause] Legion: Please, make yourselves comfortable. Kryten: Legion, these statues - you sculpted them yourself? Legion: Years ago. I was... a different person, then. Kryten: According to my connosieur chip, they fulfil all ten requirements for being masterpieces. Rimmer: You have a connosieur chip? Kryten: Just because I look like Herman Munster's stunt-man doesn't mean to say I can't appreciate art, Sir. Legion: I shall return with the feast. Rimmer: Can I eat? I mean, in this body - is it possible? Legion: Mr Rimmer, in a hard light body you can do anything a human can do, with the added bonus that you are practically indestructable. Rimmer: I can't be hurt? Legion: Your pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you cannot come to harm. Excuse me. [pause] Kryten: His cellular structure is unique - genetic strands I've never seen before. Part living tissue, part mechanical. Rimmer: We've got to persuade him to come with us. He'd get us back to Earth in weeks! And what a team we'd make! Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect, culture and sophistication and us with... with... Lister: With our red alert bulb. Let's flag down a black cab and head for real street here. This jolly won't come with us. He'd never fit in. Can you see him joining in our late night sessions of "pin the pointy stick on the weather girl"? Rimmer: True, but once he's signed up and we're off in the big black it'll be too late for him to change his mind! All we have to do is create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are! [pause] Legion: Here is the feast. It is a traditional 24th century Memosian banquet. Rimmer: How absolutely divine, Le'jon, although I must say, our souls are already gorged fit to burst with the feast of art layed out on your walls. Legion: I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr Rimmer. Rimmer: Many's the night we while away the wee hours contemplating a Carrevaggio, discussing it's shape, themes and form. Cat: The pointy stick game doesn't get a look in any more! Rimmer: Marvellous! Now, this three dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. It's simplicity is bold, stark lines. Pray, what do you call it? Legion: The light switch. Rimmer: The light switch. Legion: Yes. Rimmer: I couldn't buy it, then? Legion: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off. Rimmer: It's a pity, 'cause if it wasn't a light switch, in many ways it could be considered a masterpiece. Legion: Kryten, please join us. Memosian cuisine is quite acceptable for mechanoids. Kryten: Indeed, it has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique flavours. Legion: Let the meal begin. [pause] Legion: I'm sorry. Of course, not all of you can use Memosian anti-matter chopsticks. Kryten: I'm fully versed, Legion. For my cooking duties, I'm programmed to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques, including Jovian boogle-hoops, and the often lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon. Legion: But, the others... Lister: A...anti-matter chopsticks? We use 'em all the time. Cat: I can't even remember what a fork looks like! Rimmer: Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's longjohns delude you into thinking we're not sophisticates. Kryten: The trick is of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances to allow live sticks to touch. Hah, but of course, we all know that. [pause] Rimmer: Well, bon appetit! Tuck in, Listy! Lister: No, no, after you man! Rimmer: Wouldn't hear of it! [pause] Kryten: Sir, you're creating a reverse field. Try and keep the electron flow in the same direction. Cat: How'd you land the damn stuff? Kryten: Simply invert the ionic phase in the down pulse of the field margin. Cat: I was with you all the way up to "simply". [pause] Kryten: Sir, the glass is fixed to the table. It's Memosian telekinetic wine. Lister: So how'd you drink it? Kryten: You simply will the liquid into your mouth, and then you tele- pathically decide on it's flavour, thusly. [pause] Kryten: Ah, delicious! Lister: Kryten! Help me! [pause] Rimmer: Cat, that's mine! Cat: I, I can't help it, bud! Somehow we've crossed wavelengths! Rimmer: It feels like your prying my teeth out! Cat: Try swallowing it! Rimmer: I have! Three times! [pause] Legion: My friends, I sense you're trying to impress me. There really is no need. Rimmer: Legion, may I be frank. It's not often we meet an individual who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top notch team, but in you - we feel we have. In all our travels we've met precisely thirty one indiviuals, 3-1, and we've never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew. True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether. Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider... the right stuff. We feel that you are different. We feel that you, like us have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it, as a Dwarfer. Kryten: Sir! Don't cross the chopsticks! [pause] Legion: Mr Rimmer, I'm moved by the eloquence of your invitation, but it is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the institute. Rimmer: It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off. Kryten: Is there nothing we can do to change your mind? Legion: Absolutely. Kryten: Then I'm afraid we must bid you farewell. We have a long journey ahead of us. Legion: Nonsense! You have no journey at all, my friends. I insist you stay here, with me. You will be my honoured guests, from now, until the day you die. Rimmer: Thirty two. [later] Legion: This will be your cell, Dave. Lister: My cell? You really are a nutter, aren't ya? [pause] Lister: Sugar-Puff sandwiches? Me favourite! Legion: I think you'll find nothing here that isn't to your liking. The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and requirements. Lister: Two dozen eight packs an' a spare pair of sneekers in the ice-box? Faultless - not an inch wasted. Legion: All your favourite music, all your favourite movies. Absolutely no Doug McClure. You will want for nothing. Lister: Nothin'? What about company? What about people? Legion: There is a Cyber Park in the complex. You may go to any time period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire. Lister: And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? [pause] Lister: S-sorry, run that by me one more time? Legion: You will meet your companions in the morning. Now you must excuse me. They are falling asleep - I must go. [pause] Lister: Amazing! Doesn't even need tunin'! [later] Kryten: Good morning, Sir. Rimmer: What does he want from us? Why's he so obsessed with fulfilling our every desire? Kryten: We're all equally baffled, Sir. Was your room like everyone else's - perfect in every detail? Rimmer: Impecable! Right down to the over-starched pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves. What about you? Kryten: Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket... I was in hog's heaven, Sir! Lister: When I finally get 'round to writin' my "Good Psycho" guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation: excellent. Food: first class. Resident nutter: courteous and considerate. Psycho ratin's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Kryten: Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living. However munificent our captor, we are still prisoners, and with every second that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf. Lister: Your right, Kryten. Cat - caviar niblet. Bucks fizz. Let's talk about how to get outta this hell hole. Cat: What do we know about this jolly? An' why's he so keen on keepin' us happy? Kryten: Is it possible that our well being is in some way linked to his own? Lister: What, you mean like he's feedin' off our emotions? Kryten: Remember when we arrived? The scans recorded no life signs. Is it possible that our very presence here has in some way, inadvertantly awoken him? Lister: Wait a minute - I think I've got a way of gettin' out of here. Has anyone ever seen "Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"? Kryten: I think that one slipped us by, Sir. Lister: Well there's this one scene, where the good lookin' unconventional female journalist who wore glasses an' a tight sweater, was trapped deep in the buxom of the surfboardin' killer bikini vampire girls' lair, an' she came up with this truly award winning escape plan... [later] Rimmer: Ah, Legion. We have considered our position, and have decided our best option is to make a new life here with you. Legion: You truly believed I would be deceived by that schlock plan from "Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"? [pause] Legion: I just want you to be happy! [pause] Legion: Now look what you made me do! [pause] Cat: What the hell are you, buddy? Legion: Kryten knows. Kryten: I do? Legion: You suspect... the truth. Kryten: You mean you are a Gestaldt entity? Not a single creature, but a combination of individuals melded together to form one? Legion: My name is Legion, for we are many. Lister: What - your us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities blended together? Legion: Oh, but much more than that. Exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of it's parts. Rimmer: So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us. If we leave, you cease to be. Legion: Without you my friends, I am quite literally, nothing. Cat: So if he's us - he can't hurt us, right? [pause] Cat: Wrong! Kryten: But this is insane! Hurting us is hurting yourself! Our pain is your pain! Legion: Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger magnified many times. I am capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour - watch! [pause] Group: Aargh! [pause] Legion: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up... here! Kryten: That kind of tough talk doesnt scare us! Group: YES IT DOES! Lister: But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the technology? Where does that come from? Legion: My first incarnation. I was host to the five most brilliant minds of their generation. They were experimenting collective intelligence. I was the product of that research. Kryten: Heidiger, Quayle and the others? A composite of their genius? Your mind must have been... extraordinary! Legion: But all too soon, old age began to kill them, and as each one died I became less, until I was nothing - just a mindless essence swirling around the remnants of my achievements, waiting to exist again. Cat: There's just one thing that still baffles me. Rimmer: What's that? Cat: Everything! Kryten: Sir, permission to test a supposition? Lister: Granted. Kryten: Trust me, Sir. [pause] Legion: Graargh! Cat: What's goin' down here? Kryten: The Gestaldt requires our consciousness in order to exist, therefore as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes. Permission to lay you out, Sir? Cat: Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair! Kryten: Thank you! [pause] Legion: Graargh! Rimmer: Kryten, there has to be a more effective escape plan than this! Kryten: Sir, come back. You're just delaying the inevitable. Rimmer: I can't help it - I'm allergic to being hit! Kryten: You won't feel a thing! I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian nerve grip. [pause] Rimmer: That's not an Ionian nerve grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase! Kryten: There's no such thing as an Ionian nerve grip - now stand still while I hit you! Kryten: Your hard-light drive's tougher than vindaloo'd mutton! [pause] Kryten: This'll do the trick! Rimmer: You can't be serious! Kryten: Nnnf! Nnnn! Rimmer: Harder! Kryten: Nnnf! Rimmer: HARDER! HARDER! STOP! STOP! STOP! For God's sake, if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself. Kryten: Nnnf! Nnnn! Unnn! Rimmer: STOP! Stop Kryten! Clearly this is not working, I'm a hard-light hologram and as such un-knockout-able. Kryten: Hmmm. I think you're right, Sir. Nnnf! Rimmer: KRYTEN! Kryten: Sorry, Sir. I just thought if I took you unawares... nnnf! Rimmer: KRYTEN! I'M TRYING TO THINK, YOU RUBBER HEADED EUNUCH! Right - got it. Turn off my light beam. Kryten: I can't, Sir - I can't penetrate hard light. You'll have to extract it yourself. [pause] Kryten: Now we are even. Legion: I am merely you. Stalemate. Kryten: Not so. Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you are now incapable of malice, and because a human life takes precedent over the life of any mechanical, you are in fact compelled to assist our safe passage to Starbug. Legion: As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is impecable. Lister: O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh! [pause] Kryten: You take the cat, I'll take Mr Lister. Legion: In many ways, I'm relieved. To have shared their psyches, their neuroses, their strange drives - returning to a limbo state of non- existance seems like promotion. Kryten: One last thing. In your original incarnation, when you were composed of all those great minds, did you ever develop anything which might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf? [later] Kryten: Here we go. Initiating ignition sequence. Lister: Is this gonna work? Kryten: Oh, I see no reason why not, Sir. All tests bear out. It is indeed a fully functional stardrive. If we've linked it correctly to the Bug's existing engines, we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in a manner of nano-seconds! Lister: Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it? Kryten: Sir? Rimmer: It always does for us - every time. Cat: He's right. There isn't a dog in hell's chance this stardrive is actually gonna work. Kryten: Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all pull together we can become greater than the sum of our parts? That if we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we can achieve. This stardrive is going to work. Do we believe? Group: We believe. Kryten: Do - we - believe? Group: We believe! [pause] Kryten: WELL WE KNOW ONE THING, SIR! Lister: WHAT'S THAT? Kryten: IT DOES WORK! @4[End of Episode 2]